2013: What Will Really Matter

I don’t pay for television, so I have to read (*gasp*) to learn current news.  By current news, I mean at least what the media thinks is important…lawlz.  So today I opened up a website and started scanning headlines.  Obama, shootings, Obama… Okay, how about the Cleveland tab?  What are people reading about here?  “Twinkies Won’t Be Back in Time for 4/20”… (pauses)… Let’s think this over.  1) This is in the top headlines, and it’s about Twinkies.  2) I thought Twinkies were dead… which was a pathetic scene as people paid exuberant amounts of money for what few heart attacks remained.  Curse you, modern America…  3) 4/20?  Really?  How can that even be published?  It seems so unnecessary…

Bored and disappointed, I decided to continue my search on 2013 fashion trends.  I skipped over articles about shootings, political movements, or anything that might affect National Security, and immediately honed in on the important stuff: Spring 2013 Trend Reports by style.com.  I might be wearing Emerald, but what if I’m doing it wrong??  I’ve got to consult the fashion gods on this, to save my soul from La Mode Faux Pas Hell.  Fortunately, style.com is on top of its game.  As long as I write the following notes on the inside cover of a copy of the Bible or the Torah or whatever, I’ll be good until at least Summer 2013…

1. “THE ART OF CONTRAST”
I don’t know about you, but when I see a woman walk in with a dark shade and a light shade in one outfit, I go, “Dammnnn does she know how to contrast!  She clearly follows fashion trends by the season!”  Which is why, when I googled “fashion trends contrast 2013”, I got results.  Just like when I googled “fashion trends contrast 2012”.  And “fashion trends contrast 2011”.  And… well, how else is a person to dress?  Wear all of the same colors?  Or do you mean I’m really expected to show up dressed like this:

1contrast
NO, THANKS.

2. “VEILED LOOKS”
When I think of “veiled”, I think of a bride, of virginity, of beauty in modesty like veiled Middle Eastern women… HELL, NO.  This look has been created for the mere purpose of testing a male designer’s ability to “peek-a-boo” every damn part of a woman’s body!  The pieces of fabric that aren’t sheer are teasing the audience’s eyes and daring you to watch long enough for that top to slip sideways just a little.  If I wanted a shirt that showed off my underwear, I would save the money, not buy the shirt, and just walk around in my underwear.  At least it would be more honest.

2veiled from shefindsdotcom
Again: NO, THANKS.

3. “COLLAGE DEGREE”
I don’t mean to sound like a horrible person…but sometimes I wonder if the people who get into this industry – or at least who dote on it – would really spell “college” like that.  I’m an artist as hobby, but I am always skeptical about those who make a career out of fashion snobbery.  Seeing this “collage” trend makes me chuckle a little inside.  I just got back from Africa where I had some beautiful fabrics thrown into tailored dresses in a matter of hours, for little money and at a much higher quality than anything you’ll find in Target.  The couturiers of West Africa are incredibly skillful at cutting fabrics to make patterns wrap a person’s body in a conservative dress.  They recycle scraps to line the dresses, adding to the quality.  Turn the dresses inside-out, and you’ll find a clash of colors and patterns similar to this new “trend”:

3collage from trendwiredotcom
I would call that “material vomit”.  Do people really pay exuberant amounts of money to have people paste these scraps together with an Elmer’s glue stick??

4. “EVERY FLOUNCE COUNTS”
Flamenco-style ruffles…I thought designers were supposed to think of new ideas?  And while I do like Isabel Marant’s Look 36, I can’t help but wonder if the Victorian era is making a comeback…just, instead of showing some scandalous ankle, now women find it perfectly acceptable to wear skin-tight skirts that show their thongs.

4ruffles from ladyluxdotcom
I feel like this look violates some sort of spatial dimension…like time.  1900 meets 1985 meets 2100 much??

5. “ALPHA FEMALES”
*inserts yet another chuckle* I laugh because, when I first started looking at these trends, I legitimately though half of the models were men.  Between the lack of womanly curves, outlandishly tall statures, cropped hair, harsh makeup, flat chests, and unflattering cuts… I had no idea what I was looking at.  If you are a woman and you have a job, this look is absolute baloney.  It’s basically looking professional without having to wear a dress.  Except the runway makes it particularly creepy, and, oh, yeah, shirts are apparently not required.  I guess this look accompanies the equally creepy “alpha male” look that is trending in the male side of fashion…which I guess exists.

5alphafemale from creeatedotblogspotdotcom
Call me old-fashioned, but I’ll keep my collars, thank you very much.

6. “ASIA SOCIETY”
The final look (and they’ve been such show-stoppers!) is a “Far East” trend.  I’m pretty sure this just means “adulterated kimonos” because, if destroying Victorian culture and business casual wear isn’t enough, we can start making low-cut saris and transparent burkas as well.

6asianlook accessoriesmagazinedotcom
And you thought I was kidding.

Well, you’re welcome for me keeping you informed.  Bypass all those headlines and go straight to some over-priced, designer store and stock up immediately!  Perhaps down-size your wardrobe by combining these looks, then wear it every day and you’ll never be out of style (until Summer 2013)!  Try making a collage of contrasting veils, combining it into a kimono with a cropped bottom and collar with ruffles… and you’re good to go!  Ay, carumba… Sometimes taking the time to write these sorts of entries shames me!

Photos from styleblazer.com, shefinds.com, trendwire.com, lyst.com, creeate.blogspot.com, and accessoriesmagazine.com, respectively as they appear embedded in this post.

Emerald: Color of the Year

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(Pinterest) Emerald, Peacock, whatever…

I know you have all been holding your breath… but it’s old news now.  Of course you’ve heard.  Pantone has declared Emerald 17-5641 as the Color of the Year for 2013.  (Don’t mess up the numbers!  You wouldn’t want to have the wrong shade of Emerald Green!  The Wizard of Oz might come after you if you offend him…)

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(Pinterest)

REALITY, people.

So I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a “Color of the Year” until I walked into Beachwood Mall yesterday and saw it plastered all over the makeup advertisements.  I guess I don’t use makeup as a crutch, so I wouldn’t know.  Pardon my cynicism, but this whole thing truly irks me.  I don’t post on this blog often, but I’m sure you might guess by now (if you follow) that I’m not exactly partial to the fashion industry.  In other words, I think it’s a crock of baloney.  I’m a naturalist… since when does the planet become controlled by the fashion industry?  By a silly human past-time in a world of creatures with more glamor in their natural decor than we could ever replicate without wearing their very furs themselves?

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(Pinterest)

Who the hell is Pantone anyway?  Oh, a printing company.  That makes sense.  I remember reading on some prehistoric stone plaques defining the creation of this planet that Pantone was declared the ambassador of artificial color trends for each human-observed cycle of that big Sun star around our little rock.  Naturally, I panicked and stocked my closet full of the color.  I couldn’t imagine looking out of style!!!

No, but really… the shit was on sale, and green is one of my favorite colors.  H&M and CVS stocked me as far as I plan to stock:

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Don’t forget your ruby slippers!  Pretty sure that’s a requirement this year as well.