If you saw this, you would probably know who you are.
There are so many things I wanted to tell you this weekend, but I didn’t. If I told you those things, they would sound like excuses. If I told you how I felt, that would sound like persuasion. No, I have to wait. I have to wait until you ask the right questions, and then I can only hope that those answers will come as easily as they would when I withheld them previously.
Mister, there are so many things I wanted to tell you yesterday when I finished that book. I couldn’t say them, though. At first, I couldn’t say them because you asked and I was still a few pages away from finishing and I couldn’t possibly have gathered my thoughts by then. Then I finished it, and you asked, but there was someone in the room and I couldn’t say the truth with him there. And when it was all good and I was ready to tell you how, wow, a silly book has…proved me really wrong… well, you never asked. And if I made you ask, it would seem too cunning. I just hoped you would ask. I really wish you would ask. But I’m afraid to answer if you do. I’m afraid to be that vulnerable, to have been that wrong, to say kind words and have you judge them whether deservingly or not, but I’m especially afraid of how it will change the future. My future with those who have suppressed this kind of thing before, as well as my future relations with you, mister. Because I don’t want to come off as ill-intentioned.
Today, mister, I had so many feelings. So much anger. I was so frustrated, I needed comfort, and I was still piling on hurt from yesterday and feeling sorry for myself. There were so many things i wanted you to do, to say, to ask, to whatever…but you didn’t. And so I now feel foolish, because I acted cruelly and you would never be so cruel but you let me be cruel anyway. I wanted so many things, but I got nothing. You left without saying goodbye, not in person at least. I was hoping all week to see you after work, but I won’t have that either. I always think, what if what if what if something goes wrong, with my road trip, with your– no, I won’t even think that. But what if we never got to speak again?
This week I have wanted to start so many conversations. But I think, because I know they’re the conversations that you long to hear, I am avoiding them at all costs. Because I know they are the conversations you want, and that I want because you want, but I wanted them before you wanted them because I wanted to have what I couldn’t otherwise have. And they never happened because I could never deceive or lie like that. But then suddenly everything changed, like I got punched in the face in such a way that it almost felt like a caress. And now I want to scream to you, “I understand! I understand! I was so wrong…I still don’t get it all, and I’m still scared, but I love this too much to let it go…” but I know you probably would rejoice to hear that, yet have skepticism that I’m doing it because I’m trying to get what I want…which is not true…but I would rather never tell you than have you believe that.
I’d rather loose everything than seem false.
Am I foolish? I don’t know. I’m so confused. You’re probably the only one who could make sense of this, yet I doubt you’ll ever read this. Ever. And so maybe an opportunity will slip by because I can’t find the courage to do this. Maybe that’s the test. I’ll probably fail. I usually find a way to fail…
Mister, all I want is some solid time alone with you to work this out. Without feeling deceptive. Without feeling confused. But I think we also have to meet somewhere in the middle…