As I struggle to understand the world around me as well as my own emotions and role, I realize how often I judge people in my mind. You would think that the more I discover about humanity, the more I would come to dislike people who go against the grain of what I think is the right way to live. On the contrary, it’s been quite the opposite.
I am so often consumed with how I come across to other people. I was never made aware of how others might interpret my actions until a friend pointed it out to me a couple of years ago. I was glad she did, and yet now I overthink even more than I already do. Now I apply my internal logic for deciding how I’m going to act, but then I also contemplate how others might see me acting under different motives.
But really. The quiet, timid Kayla of two years ago who used to walk into the locker room without looking at anyone, play a game, and walk right back out…she would do that because she didn’t think she was worth anyone’s time. She would sit back and observe instead of talking (okay, I still do that a lot). She would (and still does) stay far away from a physical or emotional injury because she could see someone was getting enough assistance and didn’t want to crowd them or impose herself, because, were the tables turned, that might be. That’s why I don’t rubberneck; I sure as heck wouldn’t want anyone looking at me if I had help but was in a messy situation.
That’s when two of my newer friends at the time came up to me individually and said, “Gee, I thought you were a really mean person when we first met. I’m so glad I got to know you because that’s not true at all!” Then I thought, seriously? I try so hard to be that person who stays out of the way and respects space, and now you think I’m mean? You just can’t win…
I’m just such an over-thinker.
I’ll walk into a room and enter a silent state of panic. Who’s here? What are they talking about? How do I look? I don’t look like I’m trying to impress anyone though, right? But I don’t look sloppy? Did I walk in with an attitude? Did I walk in unnoticed? Do I look suspicious? Of what? Should I smile and say “hi” or let everyone to their own business? (I usually choose the latter, because I hate being interrupted if I’m really engrossed in something.)
And I never want to believe people actually like me. How could you like this? This mess of emotion and chaos and uncertainty.
I’m so awkward around people, especially one-on-one, that I’ve been known to get up and make tea just to have something to cling on to. I mean, they don’t know that’s why I’m doing it. But that’s why I’m doing it.
I so easily loose hold of my composure and my normal faculties.
Intelligence and the ability to analyze a situation, it can be such a curse.